i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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