apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
