Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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