3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
