I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I don't deserve a penis
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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