i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
This baby is an asshole
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
