if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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