Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
