Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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