I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
