I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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