I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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