Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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