you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
