Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
