I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
