I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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