Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
