I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
