It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
