Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
