The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I love you. Go after that dick
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
