We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
