She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
