i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
