I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
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