im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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