my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Randomize
