Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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