PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
