Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
