just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
