I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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