Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
