Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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