guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
