you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
