i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
