So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
