I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
