I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
