All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
