Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
