Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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