i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
