Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
