Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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