Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Damn victory sex feels great
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
