she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
