It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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