My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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