chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
