Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
