I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
